1:The Beginning.

California, Los Angeles, Griffith Observatory.

06th September 2019.

Day One.

The Beginning.

3:30 AM. Martha doesn’t fly well. This sounds like it could be problematic, but to be honest, apart from her intense death grip as the plane takes off, it’s surprisingly manageable.

Mainly because, when we arrive at the airport, Martha spends most of her time in the toilet - and this time was no exception.

So Heathrow consisted of me sitting outside various airport toilets, reading David Attenborough: Journeys to the Other Side of the World.

However, Martha suffers from a problem far greater than a fear of flying. Martha is very… Martha.

This is a term used by anyone who has known “Marfs” for more than five minutes. The closest description would be a blend of the stereotypical “blonde moment”, mixed with a dash of clumsy, and a strong hint of lovely.

Had I known that today Martha was going to pull out every “That’s so Martha” move in the book, I may have looked into booking us separate flights.

That’s a bit of an exaggeration, but wait for it.

After our final toilet trip, we found ourselves in the waiting area before boarding. We sent our last texts to family and were called forward.

The seats seemed a little snug for a 13-hour flight to Los Angeles, but what can you do?

We sat down when an announcement came over the speakers about a phone being left in the waiting area.

I sat there, laughing to myself, thinking:
“Imagine being that person. Lost their phone before they’ve even got on the plane.”

I then turned to Martha to say this…

The look on her face said it all.

Martha got up and walked to the front of the plane to retrieve her phone.

In the back of my mind, I couldn’t help but think how completely screwed we would have been if we’d lost it.

As I’ve said before, my phone is more of a hand warmer. Conveniently small and portable — perfect for travelling and camping.

My phone, however, cannot be used for navigation, pictures, the internet, calling people, or anything else a phone should actually do.

Come to think of it, I’m not entirely sure it should have been allowed on the plane.

Luckily, Marfs returned a few minutes later with her phone. Crisis averted. Kinda.

The idea that in a few hours I’d be in a strange country, driving on the wrong side of the road in a 25ft RV, had me slightly more on edge than usual.

The woman sat to my right was a lovely 25-year-old twin. Not to be confused with a woman who has 25-year-old twins.

This was a very awkward — yet hilarious — misunderstanding, courtesy of Martha, which resulted in the two of them not speaking again for the remaining 13 hours.

The conversation went something like this:

“I’m on holiday with my twin.” — 25-year-old twin

“Aww, how old are they?” — Martha

“25…” — 25-year-old twin

Martha frowned. Confused.

The twin frowned back. Also confused.

And I sat in between them, trying not to laugh.

I later had to explain what had happened to Martha, who was still confused — even when the lady’s doppelgänger appeared halfway through the flight.

Other than that, it was an easy journey.

“I did think she looked a little young to have 25-year-old twins”

— Martha

So, hopped off the plane at LAX with a dream… and a lost VISA.

Didn’t see that coming, did you?

Martha had the papers in her hand — and somehow, ten minutes later, we found them on the floor in the middle of arrivals.

At this point, I realise this blog is just me roasting Martha. I would like to point out that she is lovely — but on this day, she was operating on another level.

So, hopped off the plane at LAX with a dream… and no phone.

Because Martha had left it in the taxi. Twice… We hadn’t even seen the RV yet.

In real time, this was an absolute ball-ache.

We went into the Cruise America building to pick up the RV. There were loads of other people waiting, and the process didn’t exactly scream efficiency.

Meanwhile, the taxi service was being incredibly difficult about returning Martha’s phone.

Luckily, we met an absolute legend called Brian, who understood the L.A. taxi game and refused to take no for an answer. He kept calling them for us and let us sit in his office while he sorted it.

Genuinely — I hope he knows how much of a hero he was, because I was not in the best mood at this point.

Oh, and Martha also left her suitcase at reception.

She only realised when I asked where it was.

Cruise America made us watch safety videos about the RV and casually informed us that we needed more insurance.

Thank you, STA. Another hidden cost. £500 this time. Lovely.

Luckily, the RV was ready just as Martha’s phone arrived. It cost us $40 to get it back — probably would’ve been more if Brian hadn’t stepped in.

It did take about three hours for the RV to be ready, which normally I’d complain about — but we had to wait for the phone anyway.

After what felt like a lifetime, we were shown inside our home for the next six weeks. We got a quick run-through of propane, generators, and everything else.

Then we were left to it.

So now I’m sat in the driver’s seat of this absolute unit of a vehicle.

It’s huge.
It’s automatic.
It has no handbrake… stick… thing. (I’m not a car guy.)

Quite a jump from a Nissan Micro (1997), and I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.

At some point, you just have to take a leap of faith and hope for the best.

The handbrake turned out to be a pedal where the clutch should be — but higher up. To press it, I had to lift my leg so high I felt like a velociraptor.

I released it… and the vehicle just started moving forward by itself.

Turns out, automatics do that.

So we lurched forward slightly.

Martha probably s****** herself.

I had about 10 metres of driveway before joining a busy road in Los Angeles. A real “run before you can walk” situation.

During the three-hour wait earlier, I’d been studying the traffic lights — and for some reason, they made absolutely no sense. My anxiety was through the roof.

Luckily, once you’re actually in the vehicle — with the steering wheel on the correct side for the road — it all clicks.

It’s easy.

Not scary.

L.A. traffic, however… is scary.

We eventually got on the road towards our first campsite, straight into a massive traffic jam.

Despite everything that had happened, Martha was actually amazing at helping me stay calm and confident on the road.

Also, the movies don’t lie — Americans love a horn.

I got beeped at a red light because, in the States, you can turn right on red. Thankfully, I vaguely knew that from YouTube and didn’t completely panic.